Looking after myself is very important in recovery.
When I was younger I tried to have a carefree attitude. I was a joker and wouldn’t let things get me down too much. Because of this I was loathe to talk about things when they were bad or when I was hurt. I have learnt there is a balance to be found, sometimes it is not good to dwell on things but communication is very important. I think I have a strong moral code and injustice pains me but I try to be understanding and let things go these days, whilst speaking up when I feel my boundaries are being pushed. I used to be quite easy to take advantage of, and this led to me spreading myself too thin and putting the happiness of others above my own. This is something I still struggle with, so looking after myself is very important in recovery for me.
I gained 3 stone in 3 months when I was hospitalised. I was told that I was too thin, but I had been working to lose weight in the months before I was admitted by going to the gym and eating well. Lots of my issues revolved around my body image, and to gain weight due to poor diet and medication in hospital was heart breaking for me. When I eat right and exercise regularly, I feel I am working to make myself healthier and improve – I like to work for the better in my appearance and wellbeing. The pit falls of this can be I get hurt by slipping from diets and overdoing it, which means I still struggle with my weight. I hope to remember it is not a chore but a blessing that I can be kind to my body, and that everyone makes mistakes every now and then.
Having not lived uncomfortably, I realise I am lucky. There has always been food on the table and I have had money to live and enjoy recreational things. I am very aware that my recovery is in a large part due to my privilege. Having worked in mental health and seen the damage that injustice through benefits, poverty and inequality can do to those labelled mentally ill, I like to remind myself of how much I have done sometimes. Despite how lucky I am, I try to not feel guilty for playing the hand I have been dealt.
The damage of being controlled by people, both in my personal life and out with, has led me to very defensive at times. I find this is both a weakness and a strength. It can be hard when the rules of life have been played so harshly against you in the past, so for a while I felt disillusioned, and have internalised this a lot. I try to practice good coping strategies when I can, and remind myself of how liberating life can be when I start to feel hemmed in.
